Top Ten Reasons Hockey is the Best Pastime:
10. Hockey is the last remnant of the Roman Colesseum Rulebook without actually having to sit through Pro-Wrestling.
9. Baseball? Get serious.
8. Real men don't wear figure skates.
7. Golf. Hmm. This one's a toss up. Both sports involve knocking a hard rubber object into a target with a carbon-graphite stick while wearing hideous clothing.
6. Cinemas, while somehow just as cold as hockey arenas, just can't achieve the same enthusiasm levels. (And no chicken dance)
5. Better sound effects than even the coolest computers.
4. Boxing is arguably the same sport, but those wimps do it without skates.
3. Just not enough violence in football.
2. Stamp-collecting is for referees.
1. When's the last time you went to the ballet and a really good fight broke out?

Top Ten Ways to Make Hockey "More Exciting":
10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
9. Canadians must play in bare feet
8. Defensemen must count to "five mississippi" before defending an onrushing attacker.
7. A goalie with a goals per game average of less than 2.00 will have his water bottle replaced with Nyquil.
6. If the zamboni drops below 50mph it blows up
5. Goals scored by goalies will count as 5 points, encouraging the goalies to leave the crease and join play.
4. Give up a goal - remove a piece of equipment.
3. Try hot griddle surface instead of ice.
2. "Bonus pucks" may be added to game play at any time.
1. One word: BLINDFOLDS.

Top Ten Biggest Lies in Hockey:
10. "We think the referee made the right call."
9. "That foot-in-the-crease" has really improved the game in many ways."
8. [Anything having to do with Mike Keenan]
7. [Anything having to do with press coverage of how salary negotiations proceed in a friendly manner]
6. "We think his agent advised him very wisely."
5. "Don't sweat it, kid -- we're just sending you down to the minors for a few weeks."
4. "Our players never take painkiller injections."
3. "I don't care if I am not scoring, so long as the team is winning."
2. "Honest coach, I only had two beers last night."
1. "Don't worry, my roommate is a really heavy sleeper."

TOP TEN GRIPES OF PLAYING UNDER MIKE KEENAN: (Rik A. Kyser)

10. Don't mind referring to him as "Your excellency", but having to kiss his ring...

9. Locks you alone in rooms for hours on end in order to "psych" you up for games...

8. Decides to trade you, then doesn't, only to go through with it next day, then back off...

7. "He makes more money than our Franchise Player!".

6. Practice sessions and skate-arounds with live explosions and ammunition fired...

5. You want to shove some of that ice he chews down his freaking throat...

4. He trades away 3 of your friends and all your pads for an Orangutan and 4 bananas...

3. Drafts a forward from Mongolia in the 1st Round...

2. Being sent down to the IHL or AHL is starting to look really appealing...

1. He decides nobody deserves the Captaincy, so he gives himself the "C"...

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THAT NEW TEAMMATE OF YOURS MAY BE A ROOKIE: (Rik A. Kyser)

10. He wonders when "Nap Time" is...

9. He thinks being sent down to Las Vegas is a GOOD thing...

8. He thinks "Road Trips" means traveling via bus...

7. Everyone mispronounces his last name and he won't say anything about it.

6. He thinks preseason games have an "awfully high intesnity level"...

5. You find him duct-taped to his locker after practice...

4. He thinks Coach is a "Pretty good guy!".

3. He actually follows curfew...

2. He freezes up every time he's interviewed and says "Uhhhh... ummmm... uhhhh...".

1. He keeps asking "CAN I DRIVE THE ZAMBONI? CAN I? HUH? CAN I PLEASE?!!!"...

TOP TEN ADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER: (author unknown)

10. Halloween costume? No problem!

9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.

8. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.

7. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.

6. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.

5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".

4. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie".

3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.

2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.

1. Two Words: Bigger Stick.

TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER: (author unknown)

10. Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.

9. Letting those beach balls in.

8. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration"

7. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.

6. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.

5. Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.

4. Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man

3. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)

2. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.

1. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.

TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE GIFS TO GIVE A HOCKEY GOALIE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON: (author unknown)

10. SPF 30 sunscreen, for that annoying back of the neck burn.

9. For the significant other on your list, here's one that won't cost you a penny: After the game, you can "tend to his/her equipment", if you know what I mean.

8. Chia Pet (hey, everyone loves chia pets).

7. Ice packs, Ice packs, and more ice packs.

6. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in three easy steps" (endorsed by Mike Keenan)

5. Dominic Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."

4. Blaine Lacher's newest instructional video: "Riding the Pine with Style"

3. A contract with a real NHL team, instead of an IHL or a contract in hockey hell (Curtis Joesph only)

2. Clothing that brings out the color of bruises.

1. Gift certificate for mental health services

TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX: (author unknown)

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally

9. The puck is always hard.

8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.

3. Periods last only 20 min.

2. You can count on it at least twice a week.

1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards